We use the word relationship to describe most, if not all, of our connections in life. People talk about their relationships with their partners, friends, and co-workers. They talk about romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships. They share concerns about long-term, long-distance and short-term relationships. As a therapist, I hear about these relationships on the daily, and the question that often comes to mind is ‘are all of these “relationships” actually relational?’ As part of my work as a therapist, I have spent a lot of therapeutic time reflecting on my own connections with people and I realized, along the way, that not all my “relationships” have been relational. 

So what does it mean to be relational?

The foundation of a relationship is reciprocity. Reciprocity is, at its most simplistic, the idea of give and take and, at its most complex, it is the core of our survival as humans; it is the ability to cooperate with other people, to hear and meet their needs as they hear and meet yours. 

Evolutionary biologist Theodosius Dobzhansky states “the fittest may also be the gentlest, because survival often requires mutual help and cooperation” In other words, survival of the fittest does not mean how physically strong you are, it means how well you are able to cooperate with others. Reciprocity is a core principle of cooperation, working together for a mutual goal. 

Connections are not always relational 

Many of us have connections with people that are not relational, but we think they are.

Take a moment to let that digest…

Many of us have connections with parents, children, teachers, friends, lovers, partners, and co-workers that are not relational, but we wish they were. 

I think we crave, at our most biological level, relationships, therefore reciprocity, but as a result of many things both personal and societal, we find ourselves in connection with others that are not reciprocal.

The harm of non-reciprocal connections

When parents have not developed reciprocal relationships with their children these connections usually lead to children struggling to develop a strong sense of self worth; children rebelling, in often impulsive dangerous ways from their parents in order to find themselves; and parents wondering why they are not close to their adult children as they age.

When partners connect without reciprocity, when reciprocity is wanted, it usually develops into co-dependent connections, controlling dynamics, needs not being met, estrangement, infidelity, and pain.

When friends connect without reciprocity, when reciprocity is wanted, it usually develops into people feeling left out, cliques being formed, lack of equity, hurt feelings, transactional connections, estrangements, and ruptures. 

This is not to say that all connections need to be reciprocal, but it is important that people understand the lack of reciprocity and consent to a connection that does not have it. Sometimes people do not want reciprocity. Sometimes, people crave a transactional connection; or they want a short-term connection that fills an immediate need for them; or they deeply want to maintain a connection to a family member, but do not think it is safe to be reciprocal. This is okay, and at times essential, but it is vital to understand the difference. 

So why is any of this important?

Our world is so tumultuous right now. People feel so isolated, alone, estranged, and hurt. People are deeply questioning how we survive as a species, as humans. How do we survive social media, divisive politics, baseless hatred? How do we feel less isolated, alone, apart? 

To me, the answer is relationships.

Relationships, meaning reciprocity.
Reciprocity, meaning cooperation.
Cooperation, meaning survival.