There is a lot written on grief, the stages of grief, types of grief, and how to handle grief. But lately, I have been thinking about how it feels to lose a parent who has been suffering from memory loss for years. 

Often when a parent who has experienced memory loss dies people say to their adult children sentiments like:

I know this is not a shock because you knew they were ill.
or
You lost them a long time ago from their illness so this must feel like a relief.

For some, these sentiments may ring true. Many will not be shocked when a parent passes on; many will feel the relief of not having to care for a parent who has no longer been present in the way they knew them to be.

For others, these statements may not, or may only partially resonate with them.

Sometimes a surprising thing happens when a parent experiences long term memory loss. Sometimes a version of themself emerges which is more comforting and loving than the version that felt distant for all the years they were cognitively well. Sometimes parents forget to judge, criticize or simply say things that do not make sense. Sometimes they forget to hold a grudge, or to not approve of your identity. Sometimes they forget their chronic anger or hopelessness.

Sometimes when there is a loss of memory there is a gain of a relationship.

When parents forget to hate they sometimes, somehow, remember to love. 

When that parent dies the adult children not only experience a loss of the relationship they did not have when their parent was well, but the loss of the relationship formed when their parent was ill. 

This can be experienced as an overwhelming shock to the survivor’s system.

These survivors are left to mourn both what they did not get and then what they eventually did.

These survivors are left to figure out how to mourn the complexity of their loss.