When I grew up there was a popular comic strip called “Love Is” and my mother loved it. She would cut the comics out of the newspaper and tape them to the wall behind our sink. I remember thinking, as I washed the family’s dishes on my assigned night, that I was confused about this comic strip. I have not seen this comic strip for years, so I do not know if my past confusion was the result of the messages in the strip being inherently confusing, or if the comic strip was just illuminating the confusing messages I was carrying about love that I had learned from my family of origin. 

As I have aged, I have spent a long time thinking about how I was “loved” and how I want to love others. I have also heard stories from my clients about love that have moved me to tears, taught me great lessons, ignited outrage, and made me question.

What happens if you are told that you are loved verbally, but you do not feel loved, are emotionally neglected, or are abused?

What happens if you are told you are loved, but people are not showing you love in a healthy way?

What happens if you are loved, but are not liked?

What happens if in order to continue to be loved you are told you have to step into an inappropriate role?

What happens if you thought you were loved and all of a sudden you are not welcome at home, or resources are abruptly taken away?

What happens if you are told that love means never having to say I’m sorry, that love is an everlasting thing, or that love hurts?

What happens when you are told that if you love a person you would/should do a specific thing?

These confusing messages impact people in many different ways. Some people start to think they are not lovable; others stop showing love to the world; some give love without boundaries; some try hard to break the cycles of confusion; others have deep, intense inner dissonance; some shift away from love and concentrate on anything that feels disconnected from love, often money. 

So what is love?

So what is love? I do not think it is possible to define how love should be shown. This is individual, cultural, familial, and regional. I do not know if I can even define what love is. Again, love may show itself differently in different families, and cultures. For some love is loud and questioning, and for others it is quiet and unquestioning. 

What I can tell you is that healthy love is always love, not sometimes love. This does not mean that you always see the people you love, or always show love the same way, or never make mistakes, or never say something in a way you are not proud of… but love is always. 

If you say I love you it cannot mean I love you sometimes. It cannot mean I love you but sometimes I do not love you. It cannot mean I love you, but sometimes I berate you, neglect you, manipulate you, want to change you, don’t accept your identity, put you in unhealthy roles, shame you, or cause you physical, emotional, medical, spiritual or sexual harm. 

If you find yourself thinking that something is inherently wrong with you, you are probably not experiencing always love. Understanding that a person in your life is not showing you always love can be very empowering.

It is important to mention that not all family members who show sometimes love are abusive (although some are) and not all relationships with family members who show sometimes love need to end (although some do), but understanding that you are not experiencing always love can help people externalize the messages of shame, confusion, dissonance, hate, guilt, and pain that are often so prevalent with sometimes love.

We all deserve always love.

Perhaps flawed

Perhaps messy

Perhaps imperfect 

Love, always.