As the horrors of the world surround, effect, and move us, I have begun to think about parenting. Would the world be a different place right now if children were parented differently? I will never directly know the answer to this question, but I do know this: as we all struggle with how we want to move forward in this world, as well as how we want the world to move forward, concentrating on how we treat our children seems to be a good place to start. 

When many people think about parenting there is often a lot of confusion. What is the job of a parent? What is the definition of parenting? Many people think that the job of parenting involves controlling your children, others think it means to create clones of themselves, still others believe being a parent is solely a means to create heirs in order to keep the history of their people and culture alive. 

I wonder what would happen if people thought about parenting in a different way. Perhaps thinking of a parent as a child’s first teacher and parenting as the act of teaching children how to foster and maintain psychological wellness including helping them: 

1. understand who they are and what they desire 

2. cope with the intensity of empathy

3. learn to advocate for themselves 

4. develop and stay attuned to their agency

This does not mean that any child who is experiencing psychological distress has not been parented well. It also does not mean that there is not a very understandable reason why parents parent in specific ways. Intergenerational trauma tends to inform many of the conscious or unconscious choices parents make. Statements like “I have to yell at my children so they understand that they cannot behave the way they are behaving in a world that does not honor them,” or “my children need to express their identity in a specific way because we need to replace the six million lost in the Holocaust” are two of a myriad of very common cultural responses to trauma that can deeply inform parenting. 

My intent is not to pathologize these responses or blame parents in any way, but rather to provide some different options to help empower parents as they move through the often difficult, but deeply important, process of parenting.

Helping children understand who they are and what they desire

The key to helping children learn who they are is to not impose on them who you are and/or who you think they should be. The pathway to helping children develop into their own beings is respectful listening. This is the exact same answer that I give to new therapists. Respectful listening is always the key. Trauma Resiliency Model therapists like to say that they always stay “one step behind” the client (The Trauma resiliency model: a “Bottom up” intervention for trauma psychotherapy). This gives the therapist space to respectfully listen to the client; the client is the guide. In parenting, the child is the guide, and it is the responsibility of the parent to respectfully listen to their child and help them find safe ways to get their needs met. 

Helping children cope with the intensity of empathy

Many children are highly attuned to the emotions of those around them, or keenly aware of other’s pain and suffering. These children have amazing strengths, and, if children learn how to handle their sensitivity, they have the potential to grow into empathetic, caring humans who may be the very changemakers our world needs. 

For parents of highly sensitive children it is essential to teach them skills they can use to handle their empathy so that they do not become flooded and overwhelmed. This starts by being aware of your child’s feelings about people and the environments they are in, creating an environment where it is safe and secure to express their feelings, and responding in a manner that validates and guides. 

Here are some phrases that may be helpful when talking to an emotionally- sensitive child and helping them learn to embrace who they are: 

1. I can understand why you feel so upset about that. 

2. I can see you are having a lot of feelings; I am here when you want to talk about them.

3. Are you having feelings about that person who appeared distressed?

4. Would you like to talk about what you just saw?

5. Sometimes feelings can be overwhelming, would you like to do something else now and then we can talk about what you just observed? 

6. Sometimes when we are feeling deeply it can make our bodies feel unpleasant sensations. Would you like a hug (would you like to breathe together etc) and then we can talk about your feelings?

7. Did you just hear _____ talking about _____? How are you feeling about that? 

When asking children these questions, it is essential to respectfully listen to their answers, to hold what they are sharing, and believe what they are saying. Sometimes it means helping children begin to tolerate that there are not always absolute answers to pain and suffering, but that there is always something they can do to make the world a brighter place. If children realize that they have power even when they feel deeply, it can broaden their window of tolerance, and they will most likely be able to learn to tolerate their high levels of empathy. 

This also means that parents need to be attuned to their own feelings about the people and the environments they are in in order to be able to attune themselves to their child. Daniel Siegel writes in Parenting from the Inside out:

“The way we communicate with our children has a profound impact on how they develop. Our ability to have sensitive, reciprocal communication nurtures a child’s sense of security, and these trusting secure relationships help children do well in many areas of their lives. Our ability to communicate effectively in creating security in our children is most strongly predicted by having made sense of the events of our own early life.”

Helping children learn to advocate for themselves

Magda Gerber writes in Your Self-Confident Baby: “Remember that your child needs to disagree. It’s part of growing. The better the parent, the more the child dares to disagree.” 

Children need to be able to express their feelings of dissent to their parents and they need these feelings heard. It is not an act of disrespect for children to express themselves, it is actually an act of trust. Thanking your children for expressing themselves is essential for developing their ability to advocate for themselves even if what they want to happen cannot always happen. Children need to have their needs met. One way to communicate that you are hearing your children’s needs is simply by using the word ‘yes’. Yes is a very powerful word. Yes, you can play with that; yes, we can go there; yes you can feel that way, yes, yes, yes. I am not saying that there is not a time for no, but yes with boundaries helps children feel heard and held. There are ways to use the word ‘yes’ to convey that the child’s feelings are valid and still say no to what has been asked.

For instance one could say “Yes, you can run around in the park and not in the street” to a child who is talking about wanting to run around in the street. This could be followed by a question such as “why do you want to run around in the street?” At this point it is essential to respectfully listen to the answer. A child may say something about wanting to run on pavement because they like the way their shoes sound on the pavement. Again, this can be followed by a validating sentence like “Thank you for letting me know. I totally get that. Maybe we can find a park that has a large paved area. That way you can be safe and also have the sound you are looking for.”

It is absolutely okay and needed to set boundaries, to not allow children to hurt themselves or others, to not always be able to do something or make something work, but beginning with a ‘yes’ can give the message that their voice matters. 

Children who are silenced in their home, during their childhood, run the risk of not knowing how to properly advocate for themselves or properly meet their needs as adults. This can sometimes lead to co-dependent adults in relationships who are comfortable dismissing themselves for their partners, or narcissistic adults who are overwhelmed with the desire to get the narcissistic needs met that were not met as children. 

Helping children develop and stay attuned to their agency

Psychological agency is defined as “the ability to act autonomously and freely.” (Good therapy) Many folks seem to confuse the idea of agency with having spoiled children. They are afraid that if their kids think for themselves then they will not respect others, will not know how to handle systems, or will be spoiled. Agency is not the same as being spoiled.

Developmental psychologist Marty Erickson writes:

Agency is the ability to make wise decisions and put those decisions into actions that are consistent with the life we want to live. And it is a sense of self-efficacy, the belief that you can affect an outcome, that you have some power over what happens.

Agency is essential for being a leader. It is also essential for good emotional health and good relationships. If you have agency, you understand that you can manage your feelings and that what you say and do has an influence on the people and spaces around you. You can bring up original ideas and initiate things rather than waiting for others to direct you or demand something of you.

When supporting agency in our children, we need to strike an appropriate balance between a child’s right to have a voice in things that affect them and parental authority. This balance changes gradually as children mature and learn good values and decision-making skills.

In the same way that saying yes does not mean agreeing to everything a child asks for, agency does not mean always getting your way. Helping children develop agency means listening to them respectfully, helping them establish their values, teaching them about possible consequences, and being there when they experience consequences that bring pain and disappointment.

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Maybe what the world needs now is more parenting. It is never too late to reparent yourself, and to work on repairing ruptures with your children. My own mother, who gave me so much and at the same time struggled to protect and care for me appropriately, was not able to work towards repair in our relationship until the very end of her life and even though I would have loved to have been able to work things through with her earlier, her efforts near the end of her life were extremely helpful to me and my healing. Our brains are wired towards hope and healing. It is never too late to listen to our children with respect, help them manage their empathetic spirits, help them to advocate their needs, and stay attuned to their own sense of agency. It is never too late to parent.