Ever since we were children we were told to listen. Listen to your parents, listen to your teachers, listen to adults when they are speaking to you -these statements themselves are not about listening to children but rather more about commanding them. We are commanding children to obey adults.

Listening on the other hand is really essential, but what is listening and how do we really learn to do it? Children need to be shown what listening is by parents, teachers, and adults in power positions listening to them. Listening is so powerful that the simple act of listening to a child can change the course of their entire lives and conversely the act of not listening can be so damaging that children who were ignored, emotionally neglected or simply not heard can feel the psychological, emotional, and sometimes physical effects throughout their lifetime. 

So what is listening?

I believe that listening is the act of pausing, hearing, holding, and responding. Firstly, we must pause what we are doing in order to fully listen. Pausing is literally stopping for a moment in time. Pausing communicates to the person speaking that they have your attention and that you are interested in what they have to say. Secondly, we need to hear. Hearing is about presence. Presence is about intention; the intention to shift focus from what you are doing or thinking about and shift towards what the person talking to you is communicating. Thirdly, we must hold what people are saying to us. Holding is the act of receiving. It is the emotional equivalent of receiving a gift in a box and holding it in your hands instead of throwing the box across the room or just watching it slip through your fingers and land on the floor. The act of holding signals to the speaker that we actually care, we can handle what they are saying, and we are there for them. Lastly, we must respond. Your response does not have to be large or verbal. Your response just needs to be authentic. It may be as simple as a facial expression shift or a tear. It may be words of validation or encouragement; or even intentional silence. It may be your opinion, a warning, or a huge reaction. It just needs to be a real response that emerges from pausing, hearing, and holding. It is important to not respond until the previous steps are completed. A response that is not based on the previous steps is actually not a response, it is a reaction. 

The act of listening (pausing, hearing, holding, and responding) helps children learn and understand themselves and the world. It helps them grow into adults who know how to listen as well. 

So many of us are struggling to find tools to handle these years we are living though, years filled with uncertainty, absolutism, oppression, and fear. One of these tools is deep listening. Deep listening to ourselves and to others. 

Pause
Hear
Hold
Respond 

Listen and you may just find the beginning of healing yourself, your relationship and maybe, just maybe, the world.